life is full of uncertainties.
you can be very ecstatic one day, only to wake up devastated the next day. i know that one should always be prepared at all times. but it's actually easier said than done, especially when it happens to you.
and unfortunately, it had to happen to me recently. one fateful monday evening in mid-march, when i went for my regular pre-natal checkup, my sonogram/ultrasound indicated no fetal heartbeat. and the fetus seemed to have not grown at all. my doctor's diagnosis: a possible case of a missed abortion.
it was so shocking! and i cringed at the word she used - abortion. apparently, missed abortion is a clinical term to describe a situation when the fetus has died and a miscarriage has not occurred yet. my doctor then asked me to come again the next monday to "confirm" my situation.
i was really devastated and bitter after leaving the doctor's office. i couldn't help but think that after all those pregnancy discomforts and sacrifices i've gone through, that's it?! in my frustration, i wanted to get drunk that night! but still, a part of me was hopeful - maybe the doctor was wrong, the ultrasound machine could be defective and unreliable, i may have miscalculated my gestational weeks, or my hubby may be right: the baby could have been playing hide-and-seek.
when i got home, i checked my pregnancy books and some online resources. but the more i researched and read about it, the more i was convinced that i may have indeed lost our little one. so i stopped reading. and i spent the entire week mourning for the possibility of a miscarriage. i never left our apartment for fear that i might start bleeding. the nausea was completely gone, but some of the discomforts were still there.
then the inevitable monday arrived, and it was confirmed. the cause: chromosomal abnormalities. the fetus could no longer grow because something was missing or lacking. it stopped growing on its 5th week, and we only learned about it after 2 weeks. it was sad because it died without me knowing or feeling about the whole thing, since there were no symptoms to begin with. and it was sadder because it happened while i was resting from work. i mean, it would be understandable if was so stressed out or overworked.
along with the emotional pain came the physical pain. the next day, my miscarriage finally manifested itself. the bleeding began and my whole body was sore and painful. it felt like menstrual cramps, only the pain was times 20! my D & C operation was then scheduled and it went successfully - there were no complications, thank god! i felt so much better after that.
let me then take this opportunity to thank you all, my dearest friends, for sharing my excitement and joy, and now sadness and loss. i can't thank you enough for your prayers, love and care - these have been my sources of strength. and i am so sorry for worrying you all. i know i should have kept in touch sooner.
my life's roller coaster ride lately has taught me a lot. and i think i have come out of it a stronger and a better person. some things are not meant to happen yet. at the end of it all, i still consider myself blest to have a very loving and wonderful husband, supportive family, and great friends.
yes, life definitely goes on!
